Reality !

What is reality?

Ans:
Reality is the state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they may appear or may be thought to be. In its widest definition, reality includes everything that is and has being, whether or not it is observable or comprehensible.

Had been strike by reality a feel times and feel really hurt whenever it strikes. A lot of time I choose not to see, hear or to believe it. Just wants to keep things simple and preserves those wonderful memories that we share. However, no matter how I avoid, reality will just appear and wake me up from wherever dreamland I am in. It will force me face it unsympathetically and normally I will ended up wounded.

Things happen for a reason, telling myself that no expectation mean no disappointment. As days goes, had begin to learn how to keep and control the feeling that I had. Shall not let the heart leads instead should let the minds lead as to be more rational in making decision. Occasionally my hearts just keep leading and making my life even more confused.

Sometimes, when I does not want to tell you things it because I does not wants to hurt you. Human beings are complicated creatures, in order to learn how to protect themselves they form barriers. Once bitten twice shy. Thus the barriers become thicker as the days goes by. The only way for the wound to recover is self-medicate. I just can hope and pray for speedy recovery. Let him give me the strength to face it.

My Life in Sydney !

To all my friends that i have misses in Singapore,

I have finally settles down in Sydney and had started my first day in school today. I was damn unluckily that i stepped on a pile of poo before reaching school... Damn stupid and super angry~ !@#$%^&*(. Nothing seem to goes right since i arrive in Sydney !

My first day arriving in Sydney was horrible for me, as i felt so lost and lonely without a house to stay, plus to stay in at a red light district hotel at Sydney. (I didn't do my homework, not knowing that Kingscross is a red light district in Sydney)

But second day was better as my roommate Angela came and joined me in the hotel. I was so touch with my friends sending me off in the airport that i keep crying the moment that i check-in, the moment the plane departed and the moment the plane landed. I was so teary!

Then i had to climb a fleet of stairs to check-in the hotel as the taxi driver drop me off opposite the street of my hotel. I had to drag a 32kg luggage (The string broke on me while pulling), a laptop bag and 11kg backpack. Climbing the fleet of stairs really kill me. i was counting down the number of steps left before reaching the top to the check-in lobby.

Luckily there's a muscular man who help me lift my 32kg bag after i left with 5 stairs. The receptionist sympathise with me that she quickly gave me a room to rest. The moment i step in my room. i started crying non-stop.

After crying i went to use the Internet which cost me $2 for 20minutes, to sent message for my family telling them i reach Sydney safely and i saw my beloved friend email make me cry further. Then i brought myself a loft of bread to eat for my dinner and breakfast for the next day as the food here are super expensive. I had a breakfast which cost me $7 AUD. I just keep crying for my first day in Sydney.

As the days goes by, things started to be better. We managed to get an apartment to stay near the CBD area, then we started to explore our neighbourhood.

We did a spring cleaning for the apartment as there were too many cockroaches running around in the kitchen that we had to use 3 bottles of insecticides.

We top up our groceries and now it just felt so much like a home now. We sit down to discuss things and do groceries together.

Angela, Gideon and me will be staying in this home for the rest for out 8 months before we completed our studies. Hopefully we stay in harmony ! I am missing my friends badly...

Life is fragile...

Recently bad news comes one after another till i couldn't take it anymore.

Another family member of mine have been diagnosis with cancer too.

It really very disheartening.

I really felt that life is really very fragile.

In a 6 million population why them????

Where my smile had gone, i don't know but i know that it has drifted too far that i couldn't reach anymore.

Happiness is so near yet so far that i couldn't reach anymore.

I have no time for any relationship, and friends.

Hope that your will understand my situation now...

I hope to spent more time with them now till i leave in febuary.

PS: God please don't give me more bad news now. I really in the boundary of breaking down.

My love ones

Recently i just don't know where my smile has gone to ! Many things had happened around me...

Being the first person to know that your love one has a terminal disease was really a upsetting news to me.

Although i face a lot of life and death situations, but learning the truth that the love ones will leave me soon makes me think through alot.

Lots and lots of question come across my mind which, I really don't know what i should do now.

I felt the guilt towards her as i didn't take care her well enough.

I felt the guilt towards her as i didn't spent enough time with her.

I felt the guilt towards her as i didn't show enough care for her.

There are a lots of guilt towards her and worst thing is, i am going for my studies in another 2 months.

The most upsetting thing is that no one bother to look after them

What should i do?

How can i leave for my studies, without worries ?

She is my beloved grandmother, who has skin cancer.

May god bless you without any misery and take all the illness away from you.

PS: I hope god could give me more time to spent with them !

Confession !

I decided that it time for me to confessed to you. (Regarding the lies that i have told ! )

I don't know how i should do it, maybe i am thinkin of writting an email to you or talk to you face in face.

I really think its time for me to do it now.

I don't wish to tell anymore lies to you because i need to find another lie to cover the previous lie that i had told.., I feel so miserable.

i still thinking of what i should write, just give me more time to think !

I want to end the lies as soon as possible...

Sorry that i had told you so much lies, it just that i am afraid !

PS: I don't wish to be a lier anymore...

Crush Vs Crash !

I never had this kind of feeling being “SLAP” on my face kind of feeling before.

Now I felt it and I realise that reality is so cruel and things happens for a reason. I got to know things that I not suppose to know.

It is a kind of scarily and a kind of you really do not knows how you should react to this situation.

Anyway what had happen, had happened and what I not suppose to know I have already learnt it. Accepting the truth and facing the consequences is what I should do now.

PS: More disappointment then sadness…

(Loving you is accepting as who you are !)

I had found and lost you - My angel !

I seem to fall for a person quite fast, is that abnormal?

I think this time I have met my dream guy.
He is older than me, tall, and (He is charming and handsome in my eyes) good looking.
He is also very filial to parent (for what I have known so far).
He is also very talent (In my context).
He is an angel in my heart!

The only thing that is stopping me for expressing myself is that I had to leave for study to Australia in 3 months.
I am always trying to control my feeling towards him in order not let him have the feeling that I had crush in him.
I tried to ignore him at time but that really hurt and I can’t bear myself to ignore him.

I do not know how he felt towards me but I keep telling myself that he doesn't like me at all.
I keep telling myself that he is not the one that I looking for.
He and I can never be together.
I am not his cup of tea
I am not the type of person that he will fall for.
He has a better choice out there waiting for him.

I really don’t want to hurt him, as I knew that he has been hurt recently and is still mending his broken heart.
I really hope I can be the one to mend his heart, but I can’t.
I feel like asking him to wait for me a year but I find it too selfish.
I feel like telling him how i felt toward him before I leave but that will leave him misery.

I think the only thing that I could do now is to keep this feeling to myself and at the back of my heart. In order not to hurt him further, as loving a person is about seeing him happy and not sad. Thus I shall take all the misery and leave the happiness to him.

I came across this notes that post by someone:
"I am addicted to a person. I would want to see/hear/listen to her every day! I would not be able to sleep well or do my things properly without knowing her doings and all.”

I think that is what I am going through this now.

Lastly, I really hope that he find someone that know how to cherish and love him in the future.

PS: To my angel - You will always have a little space in my heart. This feeling will always be a secret till the day I graduate from my study.